No, Bond Franchise, I expect you to die!

Now some of you may find yourself giggling and hee-hawing over reports like this one in which it’s clear the world is ending rumored that singer/actress/soon-to-be-romantically-linked-to-Scott-Baio Jessica Simpson may be up for the part of Bond girl Vesper Lynd in the remake of Casino Royale. But before you go off judging this little-known, media-shy ingenue, let’s at least take a look at one reporter’s opinion:

“With filming starting in just one month, the race is on to find someone beautiful and famous enough to fill Halle Berry’s shoes. ‘[Simpson] is sexy, blonde and seductive, so she could be perfect,’ an insider mused.”

Well, now! If those are the only criteria involved, then why not? Certainly Jessica Simpson can wield and discharge a firearm at least as unconvincingly as her Oscar-winning predecessor – if not more so.

And if that weren’t enough to help this franchise limp down the long, slippery slope into cross-marketing mediocrity, you should also take a look at this interview with MTV in which the new Bond Daniel Craig mentions that the movie will, among other things, “update Bond’s game of baccarat into the trendier Texas Hold ‘Em.”

If nothing else, we can be assured that someone at the studio level will come out ahead once the inevitable Roger Moore Bond Years DVD set (bonus disc: ffolkes!) goes platinum simply by helping us appreciate the relatively Citizen Kane-like cinematic achievements of A View to a Kill.