Good day to you and welcome to Burbanked’s first instructional for 2009, A Beginner’s Guide to Comparative Celebrities. In these confusing days of cookie-cutter Hollywood films, with all of the remakes and sequels and reboots and fighting robot movies and fantastically over-edited action claptrap, you have probably become confused and disoriented by a complete inability [...]

I tend to be more or less of a heartless bastard when it comes to the fading and extinguishing lights of Hollywood talent, but there have been times when legends pass into the night and I get an emotional tickle in my throat. We’ve seen both Sydney Pollack and Paul Newman go in the last [...]

Hollywood’s celebrity actors enjoy fame, piles of money, truckloads of scripts for underlings to read, and regular infusions of narcotics legal, psychological or otherwise that feed particular narcissistic addictions. They keep the showbiz hype machine greased up and moving along with flack-placed stories about personal exploits, wacky political opinions, daftly-named offspring and more.
But what happens [...]

There’s a simply spectacular article – yes! An article, not a blog post! Imagine! – over at Smithsonian.com in which actor-novelist-playwright-comedian Steve Martin describes his early efforts as a comic in cross-country clubs and more than a dozen appearances on The Tonight Show before he felt he’d “made” it. I can’t tell whether or not [...]

TO: Hugo Weaving, Hollywood CA
FROM: Burbanked, Essentially Nowhere
Dear Mr. Weaving,
Hello there. Speaking as a big fan of your diverse body of work, I have to say that I was a little distressed lately to read that you’re rumored to be considering doing voiceover work in Michael Bay’s upcoming Transformers movie in the role of the [...]

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Here’s how it works:

Through classroom instruction and violent, torture-like physical training, we actually FORCE you to never look at anything straight-on!
You’ll [...]