IF…

Idle Fascinations are random, speculative and amorphous thoughts of a mind prone to such things. An evolving list of meaningless musings meant as harmless distractions, possibly conversation starters.

This list will grow over time, so please feel free to suggest your own IFs in the comments and I’ll add them to the list and give you credit and/or a link.

• Billy Crystal is a tool. This is not speculative, but first-hand knowledge.
• A fortune cookie message I got probably 20 years ago: Use your gifts wisely and they shall be enlarged.
• One of my dad’s favorite jokes, usually told when I would hum or sing as a child: If you sing near the window, I’ll help you out!
• Seen one day on the Paramount Studios lot, in a parking space labeled “Jack Nicholson”: a crappy, late model two-door Ford parked there. Seen later that same day: someone had attached a note to the car that said You were lucky this time. Don’t ever park here again.
• On a daily basis, how many times do you see the “got milk?” slogan ripped off?
• At a former job, I would snicker when people would frequently say, “We’ve got to flush this out.” instead of “flesh this out”.
• Working the dish machine in a busy restaurant is one of the more thankless jobs available.
• Meg Ryan once asked me for a light. I did not have one.
• Apparently Sean Connery considered playing Simon in Die Hard: With a Vengenance.
• I live in a city where throwing your cigarette butt into the street, out the window of your speeding car, into the gutter at a stoplight or pretty much anywhere except for into the face of a toddler is apparently just fine with everyone.
• I don’t really get Twitter. I am officially an old codger.
• In a former job, I managed a handful of freelance script readers. One of them gave me a coffee mug for Christmas that simply said “CURMUDGEON”. I love it, although I’m not sure why he thought of me that way.
• How much do you suppose the average cost of an automobile would increase if they would simply include a full-sized spare tire?
• Any one of my sons is usually at his most adorable when one of his brothers is getting punished for something.
• The first time you realize that you’re good at doing something because you can say you’ve been doing it for 20 years, you are officially old.
• Don’t men who use electric razors in their cars on the way to work in the morning end up with thousands of little tiny hairs all over their faces and clothes?
• I’m a man, so I’m sure I have my share of disgusting habits, but I’ve never felt compelled to wipe a booger on the wall of public men’s room.