Miserably obvious movie marketing: the Ghosts of Girlfriends Past trailer.

Blogging’s been in the backseat lately, because life has taken a turn for the hectic and my priorities have had to shift a bit for the immediate future.

But still. When I come across such a pathetically predictable and awful trailer such as that for Ghosts of Girlfriends Past starring Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner, it’s truly impossible for me to sit still about it. I’m only human.

Trailers like this one are why people started making mash-up trailers in the first place. Because every cliched convention, every predictable moment, every cringe-worthy story beat and ham-handed music cue is on full, proud display here, unironic and unselfconscious. Trailers like this don’t know any better, don’t understand how cookie-cutter they are. They simply exist on a plane of mundanity, hoping to ensnare lowbrow moviegoer dollars as quickly as possible, desperate in the hopes that no one will be wise to their old, tired tricks.

Trailers like this also exist because they get made for movies written with as little imagination and creativity as possible, by screenwriters who barely register a pulse as human beings having experienced life outside of Hollywood screenplays.

Let’s take a walk through the screengrabs. Click ‘em to see the full-on horrible:

Right off the bat, the trailer wants us to know that McConaughey’s character is “a success”. So it tells us, “He is a success”. Also, an Asian assistant (because he’s a success, and also cool) tells him that “Versace is on line one.” This lets us know that he’s a success. And then he breaks up with three women via computer-based conference call, which lets us know that he’s a success. And a douchebag.

And because he’s a movie jerk-face, Jennifer Garner tells him so:

She says this because 1) it so cleverly sets up McConaughey’s brilliant response (“Well, that first part sounds nice”), and 2) because it’s something that no one outside of a Hollywood movie would ever, ever say in ten lifetimes. Then the trailer tells us that McConaughey “needs help” (see above re: douchebag), and then introduces Michael Douglas offering the help that the trailer was just kind enough to let us know was coming. Douglas says:

Seriously? So this movie sets out to blatantly rip off A Christmas Carol without even setting it at Christmas time and calling McConaughey’s character something like “Haden Scrooge” or “Evander Slooge”? And Dickens doesn’t even get “story by” credit?

Here we see McConaughey experience the effects of a movie ghost passing through him, and he’s seemingly flabbergasted by this, even though all of us have seen movie ghosts do this about 742 times before. He even prefaces the event with the stock, “But wait – you’re dead! bit, just in case the ghost-passing-through trick somehow confuses and mystifies us.

Now McConaughey comes across the first ghost in his bed, and he stabs her through the stomach with maybe a fireplace poker, because that’s what you’d do if you found a woman where she didn’t belong and you thought that maybe she was a ghost but you weren’t sure, so why not go ahead and stab her one. She shows McConaughey through a room full of his past girlfriends – which I guarantee you sounded really amazing when the writer pitched this awful story – and one of the girls, wearing a towel, reminds McConaughey that they dated “for 48 seconds”.

What does that even mean? Is that funny? How could even the biggest stud alive accomplish this? She’s wearing a towel, so are we supposed to assume that he stumbled into a ladies’ locker room, turned on the charm, seduced and made love to her all within 48 seconds? In what possible world does this make sense outside of Penthouse Forum?

This may be my favorite part. Here’s where we learn that McConaughey and Garner actually love each other. We learn this because the soft music begins, and then the ghost tells us:

Now why would any screenwriter working today feel the need to conjure up clever exposition or scenes of compelling, character-revealing drama when you can get paid a boatload of money by simply saying it all out in the open like that and then accompany it with images of that exact thing happening? (including romance-charged Foosball playing!)

Here are some random movie cliches, from left to right:
1) idiotically long hair = the past, 2) movie ghosts = always turn on and off the weather, 3) hey, here’s that ghost-passing-through bit again, even more wacky and inspired this time!

I should mention that at this point the trailer voiceover guy REALLY starts to drive it home:

As children, McConaughey was in love with Garner and took her picture. He tells her that he’ll “keep it forever”. I wonder if this will be important later in the story…

Here’s the obligatory bit at the end of the movie where McConaughey wreaks mayhem trying to get to Garner. She’s probably left for the airport, he’s realized what a jerk he’s been, and he’s doing untold damage (untold because no one in the story will mention it afterwards) trying to get her back.

I know this because I wrote the exact sequence about 12 years ago. It wasn’t terribly clever then, either.

HOLY CRAP HE KEPT THAT PICTURE. And Garner’s amazed by this! She’s thrilled and giddy and she’s falling in love all over again! Don’t the people in these movies ever see these movies?