A Beginner’s Guide to Comparative Celebrities: Paul Walker Vs. Chris Evans

Good day to you and welcome to Burbanked’s first instructional for 2009, A Beginner’s Guide to Comparative Celebrities. In these confusing days of cookie-cutter Hollywood films, with all of the remakes and sequels and reboots and fighting robot movies and fantastically over-edited action claptrap, you have probably become confused and disoriented by a complete inability to discern between various celebrities who have provided you with no true reason to ever remember who they are.

For example, can you honestly say that you know the difference between Paul Walker and Chris Evans?

It’s a damn shame. Today’s celebrities work so hard to act all serious and shoot a gun made of rubber and to have fake sweat sprayed on their washboard abdomens and to feign human-like emotions – all while keeping their deepest secrets and depraved inner desires hidden from the prying eyes of set spies, paparazzi and equally clueless significant others. The fact is, this takes quite a bit of mental power that they simply don’t have.

So here’s a helpful guide. You should clip this out and post it next to your computer monitor, or laminate a copy and carry it with you to your local multiplex.

	Paul Walker, “Actor”	Chris Evans, “Actor”
Biographical:	Age 36, born in Glendale, CA	Age 28, born in Boston, MA
Number of “exact matches”** when searching for their names on IMDB:	19	27
**This signifies that a number of other makeup artists, prop people, misc. crew and landscapers come up in a search for the actors’ names. In contrast, if you IMDB-search for “Gene Hackman”, you go directly to the only Gene Hackman.
Best-known blockbusters:	The Fast and the Furious, Into the Blue, Meet the Deedles	Fantastic Four, Not Another Teen Movie, The Orphan King
Frequently costars opposite:	Mush-mouthed guy with rocks in his head	Guy who’s acting like a mush-mouthed guy with rocks in his head
Number of times either has played a character named “Judd” or “Skip”	Judd: 0 Skip: 1	Judd: 1 Skip: 0
Employs an acting talent powerful enough to inspire the very strongest performance from costar Jessica Alba:	No	No
Appearance in a movie that could be classified as “nearly good”:	Pleasantville, 1998	Sunshine, 2007
Logline of upcoming movie enhanced by the strategic replacement of several words with “flatulence”:	Fast & Furious, 2009 “When flatulence brings them back to L.A., fugitive ex-con Dom Toretto reignites his feud with agent Brian O’Conner. But as they are forced to confront flatulence, Dom and Brian must give in to an uncertain new flatulence if they hope to outmanuever him.”	Push, 2009 “A group of young American expats with flatulence and clairvoyant abilities hide from a U.S. flatulence agency in Hong Kong, using their different talents to band together for a final job to escape flatulence.”
Screengrab from the actor’s latest movie trailer in which he is acting “macho” but looks as though he’s about to burst into tears:

I hope this has been helpful. Now you should be able to enjoy Paul Walker and Chris Evans movies more than ever.