The Hollywood sequel machine takes a handful of turns for the worse.

In an industry like Hollywood where once-famous actors and actresses are thrown upon the heap of public boredom; where today’s hotshot agent can’t get anyone on the phone tomorrow; where crafty and clever screenwriters, having failed to score multi-million dollar spec sales, are stacked on the bottom of a low-level development executive’s weekend read list; in Hollywood the concept of something being a “certainty” is almost unheard of.

Except, of course, when it comes to movie sequels. When your movie performs – it opens big, lasts in the top ten, scores big overseas and sells more DVDs than barbecue chip crumbs on the floorboards of Kirstie Alley’s car – the question of whether or not to develop a sequel to your blockbuster is rarely a question at all. But so often anymore sequels have ceased to be made simply because the story and characters of the first movie still had compelling stories to tell, adventures to experience, and cinematic stories to unfold.

How else to explain so many franchises that have come back from among the long-dead? Rambo, Star Trek, Die Hard: these were film dynasties that had seemingly run their course, sometimes right into the ground. But still: does every possible movie sequel HAVE to get made? And in Hollywood’s brash insistence to “tell the continuing story”, aren’t we fairly certain that these movies are consistently getting worse and worse?

Seriously, why would we need sequels to The Break-Up? Ghostbusters? Beverly Hills Cop? And oh but by the rotting liver of Harrison Ford: a Blade Runner sequel?

As you might have guessed by now, I’ve got the answer. Too many movie properties really don’t warrant the creation of sequels on their own – but combine them with other, equally useless franchises and now you’re talking two-for-one value. Therefore, I am overjoyed and a little giddy to pass along to you the following Movie Sequel Mashups destined for cinematic greatness…

The Blade Runner Gets Smarter

Two decades into the future, CONTROL super-agent Maxwell Smart is contemplating his retirement. As a final assignment, he’s tasked with training a brash, young – and hopelessly klutzy! – new agent named Rick Deckard. Despite clashing styles and constant bickering, the pair join forces to track down a prototype replicant who shows signs of becoming self-aware.

The Super Break-Up!

Brooke Meyers (Jennifer Aniston) just can’t make up her mind! Now that her relationship with Gary (Vince Vaughn) has ended for good, she’s free and open to new relationships – but will she choose the handsome reporter Clark Kent or the disarmingly nerdy PhD student Peter Parker? They’re both charmers, but she wonders whether they might be hiding something. And when Lex Luthor (Jon Favreau) tries to rope Gary into a maniacal real estate grab (one more time!), Brooke realizes that her life is spinning out of control. Sounds like a job for…you know!

Wild Hogs Love Their Little Fockers

Unable to face the pressures of impending fatherhood, Greg Focker (Ben Stiller) joins a biker gang for one last fling and one last chance at personal redemption. Middle-aged biker Woody Stevens (John Travolta)(and yes, I had to look up that name) takes Focker under his wing, teaching him the rules of the road, the simplicity of being cool, and a taste of forbidden love that Greg must keep secret from his wife and in-laws. Wacky!

Pirates of the Caribbean: They’re Ghostbusted!

Venkman, Ray and Egon are back! And they’re called upon to investigate a haunted amusement park where they discover that an ancient pirate ride has come to life. While Jack Sparrow and Barbossa wreak havoc throughout New York City, will the Ghostbusters get the chance to show those pirates “how they do it downtown”, or will their city be overcome by the depths of Keira Knightley’s habitual melancholy?

The Thomas Crown Sex Affair and the City

Carrie Bradshaw has begun a thrilling new relationship with a secretive stranger – little realizing that Thomas Crown is so amused by the asinine witlessness of his new love and her friends that he embarks on a plan to rob each one of them blind.

Indiana Jones and the Swinging Groove of Austin Powers

England, 1967. Indiana Jones is receiving an honorarium from Oxford University where he’ll announce his retirement – but plans go awry when he’s tricked by Dr. Evil into stealing a precious artifact. Only by teaming up with Austin Powers – and rediscovering his own swinging groove – can Indiana make things right again. And also he’s Scott Evil’s true father.

(some screenshots courtesy of Rope of Silicon. Others via Movie Screenshots.)