Dear Sharon Stone:

Hi, Sharon Stone. It’s me, Burbanked. I figured, as a fellow western Pennsylvanian and an accredited member of the burgeoning Pittsburgh film bloggers community, I would take the initiative to reach out and bestow upon you the kind of true kindness that only kind people can give so freely and kindly.

Sharon Stone, it’s time for you to return to Hollywood greatness.

Now I know what you’re going to say: that any kind of future film project that you’d be involved in can’t really be considered a “comeback” because you’ve never really “gone away” - and of course you’d be right! Your career has never been hotter, what with that Chris Fallon movie you recently performed in as well as a couple of those other high profile star vehicles of late. And while I’m certainly not here to cast doubts on any role large or infinitely tiny in your filmography, I speak to you as a true fan when I say that we, your adoring moviegoing public, are so so very ready to see you return to greatness.

Just remember, Sharon Stone, you were nominated for an Oscar award! And you were so very terrific and not at all annoying and one-note in that Martin Scorsese movie that wasn’t derivative of his other movies at all. And even though you didn’t get to speak nearly as much voiceover in that film as everyone else - and I mean everyone else! - you sure did hold your own with some cinematic bigshots. I guess it’s true what they say in Hollywood: fake a sexual attraction to Joe Pesci, get lots of award nominations. Hey, it worked for Marisa Tomei, right? And she never even flashed her baby tunnel on film, either. You did, though. Yes you did.

You’re brave, Sharon Stone. Brave like Americans should be. Brave in that way that we admire and love in the way that you say what you mean and you just don’t care at all if people are hurt or offended or if they think you’re a big stupid jerk and that you know nothing about global political issues or racial sensitivity. What do the rest of the people in “the world” know, anyhow? They don’t have a 154 IQ like you like to tell people you do, Sharon Stone. And most people haven’t simulated doggy style with one of the lesser Baldwin brothers, either. You’ve done that. And so much more.

So keep that chin up, Sharon Stone. And those eyelids and cheek flesh and arm flab. You’ve got a good 2 1/2 years of worthwhile actress career left on that face of yours, and I for one am looking forward to what might come next. Will it be a new drama where you’re scary and psychological? Maybe a kooky comedy where you wear your hair all messy and wacky? Or can we eagerly anticipate the coming of The Specialist II: Even More Specialized or maybe Gloria 2: Menopause Mania?

I can’t wait, and I know a lot of others feel the way I do. Just remember that you’re a celebrity and you have a responsibility to remake, reinvigorate, reimagine and reinvent yourself. You’re an inspiration to many, and an actress of such wide-ranging talents that the impact of your skills and instrument have been felt from Keira Knightley to Shannon Elizabeth.

So for all of that and more, Sharon Stone, thank you. Thank you, God bless, and we eagerly await your return to fame and glory.