Whatever Walter Koenig’s paying his publicist, it’s not enough.

ring-ring. ring-ring.

“Hello, this is Walter Koenig calling. Is Warren available? Yes, of course.”

“Hi, Warren. Yeah, great. Listen, I appreciate all the press notices I’m getting for agreeing to stand in as George’s best man at his gay wedding – ”

“That’s okay, it’s his event, he’s the bride – ”

“No I didn’t.”

“Anyway, what I was wondering is whether or not this can go any deeper. My name is in these articles, I’m the best man, whatever – but nothing more. Nothing about my career, my projects, anything. And I just think it would be good for me – ”

“Well, that’s a good point and I’m glad you mentioned it. The fact is, Shatner is making these rounds talking about his autobiography, but he never mentions me at all.”

“No, read it again. He talks about how Nimoy hated him, Takei hates him and Nichelle hates him. Why doesn’t he mention whether or not I hate him?”

“I think it’s exactly your job to know that. He can’t just go around telling personal secrets about everyone on that damn show and not even mention me, can he?”

“I’ll be honest. The next time you say to me ‘because he’s Bill Shatner’ I am going to f – ”

“Look, I just think I’m not getting the kind of exposure that the others – ”

“Well of course he is. ‘Spock was drunk all the time‘ – it’s a great angle, you can hardly blame them.”

“No I don’t have an alcohol problem. Why – ”

“I don’t know. That seems – ”

“But even if I started drinking today, wouldn’t it take a long time to develop the addiction, get into rehab, and then start talking about it? How am I supposed to – ”

“No, I haven’t done any reality shows. I’m not really a fan – ”

“Well what’s it called?”

“‘Celebrity Toupee Makeover’? Why in the f**k would you ask me that?”

(he shoots a panicked look into a nearby mirror and touches up the hair on the top of his head with a brush the size of a frying pan. gently.)

“Fine. Yes, I’ll do the wedding, I’ll stand next to George and his husband but I’m telling you right now that you’re not going to see that motherf**king ‘live long and prosper’ hand thing – ”

“Sure. Okay. And did you get a chance to look at the script I sent over?”

“No, not that one. That’s the other one, from October. No. No.”

“It’s the one where the young and handsome starship ensign learns about the conspiracy and then he has to kill the captain and the science officer and the navigator and the communications woman and the other bridge crew and then he saves the day. Remember? Like a western Die Hard, but set in space? And he’s like a foreigner, an outsider – ”

“Well I could send another copy.”

“Alright. Sure. Let me know when she finds it.”

“Yes, those are the checks I get each week. You’re a good friend for asking.”

“What? Oh come on. No, I really don’t want to. That’s so old, it’s really just – ”

“Please, I don’t want to.”

(he sighs.)

“Fine.”

“Keptin, phaserrrs are looked on the Klingon wessel.”

(uproarious LAUGHTER explodes from the phone)

“Warren, have I been on the speaker phone this entire time?”

(he hangs up. glances into the mirror again, and then grabs a ballcap and places it gingerly on the top of his mound of hair. he walks slowly out of the room, careful to balance the cap in place.)