Here’s a film school that is going to blow. you. away.
By Burbanked on Jan 28, 2008 in Movies | 549 views |
It’s a good time to be a young, aspiring filmmaker. You may have heard that striking Writers’ Guild scripters have created “Teaching Thursdays” at Warner Bros. Gate 2 (John August mentions it here), in which industry veterans set aside their picket signs for one day each week to counsel and otherwise illuminate their experience-challenged brethren.
Yeah, but so what? That sounds kind of…I don’t know, whimpy.
For something a little more macho, hands-on, down-and-dirty, rock-your-frigging-world-type instruction, look no further than the Professor Emeritus of Aneurysm-Inducing Camera-Swooping, the ever-humble and magnanimous Michael Bay, here speaking about one of his eager, wide-eyed protégés:
“… he wanted to quit. And I said, ‘You’re not allowed to quit. You had the best film school you could ever imagine, because you were sitting right behind me. I won’t let you quit.’ And now this guy is a movie director.”
If that kind of emasculating, tough-love approach to mentorship appeals to your inner cowering lickspittle, then you may soon enjoy a long and prosperous career in Hollywood. All you need is an incredibly demeaning job in the service sector that happens to coincide with the traffic patterns of your favorite filmmakers, at least one of whom will consider you barely more human than the sickeningly sweet, sludgy foam with which you’ve just topped off his choco-frappuccino. Here’s the rest of this Hallmark-esque anecdote:
I’m not sure what’s more sentimental in that clip: the fact that the question and answer are so obviously pre-planned, the cutaway to Peter Guber nodding knowingly - or it could be condescendingly - to Bay’s ego-manic rant or the Palansky/Polanski name mix-up which seemingly no one seems to quite understand.
But fledgling showbiz directors, take heart! Bay’s young ward from the story is Mark Palansky, whose directorial debut Penelope should be burning up the box office charts at the end of February (having been completed for about a year and a half now - oooops). We can only hope that the lessons Palansky learned at the barking, finger-pointing beck and call of Michael Bay has informed the Penelope narrative with appropriate amounts of spinning cameras, frenetic editing and Shit That Blows Up For No Physical Reason®.
Dedicated screenwriting 101 here: From an interview with Harrison Ford on the MTV Movies Blog in which the inevitability of another Indiana Jones movie is mentioned:
How do I get out of this? I love going to the movies with my boys, opening up their minds to the great pleasures of cinema and all that, but this is a hard one. Please help me: do I suck it up and just go, or can anyone out there provide me with a plausible, kind-hearted, permanent way out? (
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Ray | Jan 28, 2008 | Reply
The more I see, the more I am convinced that these guys and their movies are not worth covering. Or watching.
Piper | Jan 28, 2008 | Reply
Alan,
you know my hatred is right up there with your. It’s red hot, baby. And then I see this and it’s like infinity on top of infinity hatred. I didn’t know it could go higher, but there it is.
I know it would be unbelievable for Bay, but it could be that the guy wanted to quit because he realized he was working for a hack director on a horrible movie about a real American tragedy that deserves better than this shit. But hey, I could be wrong.
Burbanked | Jan 29, 2008 | Reply
Ray: You’re half right.
Piper: I’d pay cash money for someone to show me a clip of Bay talking in which I didn’t want to kick his face in at the end. Okay, he’s a blockbuster filmmaker and I’m not, but there are plenty of successful directors who have not created a brand out of being a complete dick.
You could be right that Palansky discovered some kind of hidden reserve of integrity that he didn’t know existed; that the superstar he fantasized about while serving him lattes turned out to be a self-centered idiot - but of course Bay doesn’t let you simply quit if he senses that he’ll be able to exploit your story and his own importance to it later.
Sr. Irene | Jan 29, 2008 | Reply
This guy is dumb and ugly.
Burbanked | Jan 29, 2008 | Reply
Nicely said, Sr. Irene. Blunt, yet eloquently accurate at the same time.
TL | Jan 29, 2008 | Reply
All that video needs is the Mission: Impossible music and BOOM! Tom Cruise Scientology video!