And here’s why Jimmy Fallon does not deserve your indie film cred.

With Burbanked having just reached the tender age of two, you may start to notice something…well, that I feel I should warn you about. All this year, a particular topic, celebrity, rumor or other piece of movie news may set off my inner toddler, sending me into a particularly cranky mood. So when you see the (clickable!) squabbling baby icon just to the right of an article, you’ll know that this article falls within my Terrible Twos category, and that I should not be held responsible for any attendant insults, sarcasm, fury, irrationality, complete and total meanness, and other forms of verbal brutality. This notice should serve as my first and only apology until Burbanked turns three.

It’s become much more the exception than the rule that Saturday Night Live can function anymore as a long-term star-maker. Long gone are the days of Eddie Murphy, Chevy Chase and Michael Meyers enjoying long and consistently hit-worthy post-SNL careers, and if you want to talk about the talents of these performers crossing over into non-comedy movie careers, you can pretty much forget about it.

Which is why I’m willing to, right now, throw a gallon of water onto the feeble, struggling flame of Jimmy Fallon’s attempts to establish any kind of indie film cred with the release of the The Year of Getting to Know Us trailer. This film, which is apparently also known as Rocket, seems to be already experiencing a kind of identity crisis, which could be because the filmmakers decided not to go with my favorite title, Elizabeth Big Fish-Town Garden State Yet With A Lead Actor More Annoying Than Zach Braff, Which Is No Small Feat. Here’s a look at the trailer, courtesy of Movie Marketing Madness:

You might suggest that there are roughly 7,327 reasons that Jimmy Fallon does not deserve our respect or attention as a serious actor here, and you would not be wrong. In the interests of brevity, however, I will only touch upon the following:

1. That aw-shucks, boy-next-door, uncombed look is pretty uninspired and suggest nothing much happening below the surface.
2. His movie parents are played by Tom Arnold and Sharon Stone. Again: Tom Arnold. And Sharon Stone.
3. In terms of the strength of his comedic talents and any inherent character edginess, Fallon falls somewhere between Jay Leno, Carrot Top, and my seventh grade science teacher.
4. Fallon has previously attempted believable romantic drama alongside Drew Barrymore and is therefore ruined for future purposes of legitimacy (see: Eric Bana, post-1999 Hugh Grant, Michael Vartan and Luke Wilson, among other poor bastards).
5. He has not a single post-SNL movie hit even as a comic, so it’s damn near impossible to expect us to embrace him outside of his very tiny talent comfort zone.
6. The plot of this trailer unfolds like a pre-first draft story idea that Ed Burns would have thrown onto his “too boring and derivative” pile, and that’s really saying something.
7. I’d rather rewatch Billy Crystal’s uncomfortably long shirtless scene in Forget Paris, running on a three-hour loop, than pretty much any movie for which “starring Jimmy Fallon” is its main selling point.

So that’s about it. I’m feeling sleepy now and I think I’ll have a snack.