Whatever Morgan Freeman’s paying his agent, it’s not enough.

OVER BLACK: “Nine months ago…”

ring-ring. ring-ring.

“Hello, this is Morgan Freeman. When I first answered the phone today, I didn’t think much of it. The truth is, it could have been anyone on the other end of that line; I just didn’t want to know. That was my first impression of that call.”

“Oh, hi, Warren, sorry about that. What’s up?”

“Really? Sure, I’d be delighted to make a movie with Jack Nicholson. Who’s directing it?”

“What?”

“Oh. Sure. Well, I guess so. Has he done a good movie since 1995?”

“I suppose you’re right. Well, as long as the script is great. Who wrote it?”

“Hm. What else has he written?”

“Nope. No. Never heard of it. I don’t know what that means; where is Temecula Valley? Well, what’s the movie about?”

“Okay, let me stop you right there. If I’m going to costar with Jack Nicholson in a weepy drama about cancer and bravery and death, there are a few things you’re going to have to make sure of. First of all, do we meet cute? Do we have that thing where he’s an absolute prick and I look at him disapprovingly?”

“Okay. Good. Now my character has to be noble. Can you make sure I come off as looking noble?”

“Well, except that sometimes I should be not noble. You know what I mean? Like maybe, I don’t know, is there a scene where I irrationally argue with a loved one?”

“Great! Now we’re getting somewhere. Now what’s the difference between Nicholson’s character and mine? Where’s the conflict?”

“Oh, right. I’ve got a warm family and he doesn’t? Terrific – that’ll help the noble thing.”

“So we make this list of things we have to do before we die, right? And the stuff that we do, the life-affirming things that we do because we’re dramatically dying – please tell me that it’s not a list of silly, clichéd things we do and places we go, okay?”

“Really? Do dying people really want to do that? And in the movie we do these things on the list and then we’re shown crossing these things off the list?”

“Hm. Okay. Well, he’s the director. I guess he knows a good movie property when he sees it.”

“Well, look. I’ll do the movie if you can guarantee me three things.”

“First, we’ve got to have scenes where Nicholson is Nicholson. You know what I mean? He’s got to mug it up and go all Jack Torrence – you know, Nicholson. The movie’s got to have that.”

“And I have to narrate. That’s my thing, the narration. Make sure the movie has that. In fact, it would be best if I wrote a heartfelt letter to Nicholson and he read it. That’s gotta be in the movie.”

“Terrific. And finally, whenever these movies come out, they always say ’starring Academy Award winner this’ and ‘Academy Award winner that’ – and then they show some poor bastard actor who has no business being in the same movie and who’s desperate to star in an Oscar-baiting film with real actors ’cause he believes it will legitimize his career. Our movie’s not gonna have some loser like that, will we?”

“Great. I hate that.”

“All right then. I guess I’ll do it. What’s the movie called?”

“Oh. Okay, I guess that works. Terrific. Of course. You know it. Talk to you soon.”

He hangs up. Looks around at his home, at the well-appointed trappings that his long career has afforded him. He sees his Oscar statue sitting on a fine oak shelf.

And he sighs, resigned.

“Well, hope is a good thing.”

If you’re still interested in seeing the trailer for The Bucket List, Yahoo! Movies has got it here. And may the deity of your choice have mercy on your soul.