Pop quiz, hotshot – how well do you know your Michael Bay?

Of course the big news yesterday was the release of a new trailer for the extra-big summer extravaganza movie Transformers. Sure to put the Geekformers into a weekend-long bleary-eyed tizzy, the trailer is appropriately quick-cut, stirringly scored and has some very delightful action beats.

But it’s also a great opportunity for us to take a moment to appreciate the contributions of Michael Bay to the pantheon of film. Some might argue that his particular cinematic talents may likely never be recognized by the likes of too-snooty-for-action-blockbusters-with-constantly-swirling-cameras Oscar, but I think we owe it to ourselves as true movie fans to welcome and embrace Bay’s ground-breaking and rarely copied style.

It’s time for you to ask yourself: how well do I know Michael Bay?

Bay enjoys portraying authority figures as total pricks, such as the “Dad” character in the early part of this trailer. According to the conventions of Bay movies, “Dad” in Transformers will, by the end of the movie, say the following:

• “I should have listened to you, son. We all should have listened to you.”
• Nothing. Having fulfilled his expositionary role, he will disappear from the movie with no explanation.
• “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” (just before being crushed/stabbed/blown up by a robot)

The characters played by Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox come together romantically in the movie because:

• She plays a mechanic and he loves his car
• Although hopelessly dorky and put-upon by his peers, he demonstrates to her a profound understanding of life’s truths and interpersonal relationships
• Because.

According to Michael Bay, which of the following most accurately describes realistic behavior of the US military?

• “What you are about to see is totally classified.”
• In a time of crisis, a politician telling the US public “We are at war against a technological civilization far superior to our own.”
• Soldiers who scream at the top of their lungs while shooting their weapons

Which example of macho posturing does NOT appear in this trailer?

• “No no no no no MOVE!”
• “I’ll drive, you shoot!”
• “We ride together, we die together!”
• “BRING IT!”

By Michael Bay’s standards, actress Megan Fox should be considered “hot” because:

• She’s a girl but she knows how to talk shit and blow stuff the f**k up
• Although the movie takes place in the real world, she’s lit and shot as if she’s in a soft porn Cinemax movie
• Because.

The line in the trailer where Shia observes that Optimus is “like a super-advanced robot, probably Japanese” is humorous because:

• Stereotypes are funny
• It’s a reference to the Transformers’ creation by the Takara company – and thus a respectful homage to the fanbase
• Things that people say that make absolutely no sense are often funny

Which of the following can we be sure to see or hear in this Michael Bay movie?

• Copious amounts of helicopters flying
• “Oh God” “Oh dear God” “My God…” “NOOOOOOOOOO!”
• Beads of sweat, perfectly lit, traveling down Megan Fox’s rock-hard abdomen

In the trailer, one of the Decepticons runs/skates down a freeway and plows through a city bus, despite the fact that to do so does not injure or threaten his presumed opponent. Why?

• Looks cool and makes noise
• It represents the senseless and dramatically empty deaths of at least 15 innocent yet narratively insignificant characters
• Because.

BONUS Question! Tell me in the comments below your guess for how many shots of American flags will be seen in Transformers!