Bad movie marketing deconstruction: the No Reservations one-sheet.
By Burbanked on Mar 28, 2007 in Movie Marketing 101, Movies, One-Sheetery | 1,795 views |
Rope of Silicon gives us a look today at the one-sheet for the upcoming Catherine Zeta-Jones rom-dramedy (a much larger version of the poster can be seen here or by clicking on the picture at right) No Reservations, which is the story of a no-nonsense Manhattan chef (Zeta-Jones) who Learns What’s Important In Life™ when she 1) adopts an adorable moppet and 2) naturally, falls in love with a young hunkster (played by Aaron Eckhart).
And wow but that is one truly awful poster. It pretty much grabs up every hackneyed cliché of the genre and cuisinearts them all together into a bland, tasteless mess. I mean, wow. Really.
Let’s break the one-sheet down into its component parts so that I can show you what I mean:
 Aaron Eckhart is best known for playing roles of edgy, complex and sometimes brutally mean men. The kinds of roles actors love and audiences talk about. His dopey, smirking look on this poster, however, conveys little else besides faux-rebel goofiness. And the fact that he’s recently cashed a rather large check. |
 Catherine Zeta-Jones has never met an airbrush she didn’t like. And the Rope of Silicon article tells us that her character is “intense” and “intimidating” - so why is she forced into the submissive posture here? Looking up, puppydog-like devotion in her eyes…this is sap at its worst. |
 It’s nice that the poster’s photoshoot has taken place in a “realistic” kitchen, but you’ve got to wonder which graphic designer Zeta-Jones pissed off when they place her prominent name above a background prop that says “choking”. |
 Eckhart is playing a “brash new sous-chef”, so naturally he’s pictured not mixing anything brash or otherwise in this sterile-clean bowl using a perfectly clean spoon. Has anyone involved in this movie actually ever seen a restaurant kitchen? |
 Likewise, Zeta-Jones’ bowl is unsullied by any food that her character is supposed to be brilliant at creating. She seems to be using her hands here - perhaps forming a gourmet pheasant meatloaf or something - yet both hands are immaculately clean. |
 This tagline is just the worst; there’s simply nothing clever about it and its level of insight falls somewhere between “fortune cookie” and “grandma”. |
 We’re told that Eckhart’s character is “high-spirited and freewheeling”, so that’s probably meant to explain these pants, which were probably considered to be high-spirited and freewheeling for about 16 minutes in May of 1987. Is this really how we’re conveying the important character traits of our movies’ romantic leading men - zany parachute pants? Was the costume designer fresh out of camouflage? |
 “Screenplay by Carol Fuchs”. Carol Fuchs=First-time screenwriter. First-time screenwriter=creates character names like “Kate Armstrong” and “Nick Palmer”, and I’m guessing that this story’s goodies don’t end there. Apparently No Reservations is a remake of a German film, and - as hard as it is to believe - I’d bet my lunch money that the German film is more fun. |
 Oh, good; there’s another tagline. I was worried that the bitter taste of the last one was going to fade away, but here’s another stupid cliché standing by to assault our sensibilities. See, the story is about cooking! And the movie will be cooking this summer! Oh my, oh dear me. I need to rest now. |
This awful, awful movie opens July 27th, the same weekend as The Simpsons Movie. I think I might be washing my hair or babysitting a parasite-infested dog that weekend.
Dedicated screenwriting 101 here: From an interview with Harrison Ford on the MTV Movies Blog in which the inevitability of another Indiana Jones movie is mentioned:
How do I get out of this? I love going to the movies with my boys, opening up their minds to the great pleasures of cinema and all that, but this is a hard one. Please help me: do I suck it up and just go, or can anyone out there provide me with a plausible, kind-hearted, permanent way out? (
© Copyright
Adam Ross | Mar 28, 2007 | Reply
Is life ever made to order?
And would a chef really be wearing a watch??
Burbanked | Mar 28, 2007 | Reply
Adam: - in the movies it is. In bad movies, every damn time.
And a friend of mine had the same question about the watch! I couldn’t come up with anything clever enough to say about it other than to pose the question.
Sulu at the Helm | Mar 28, 2007 | Reply
And just where can I too get a parasitic-infested dog? A cute one that will also scare off prowlers.
Burbanked | Mar 28, 2007 | Reply
Of course I meant “parasite”-infected. I need to fire my editorial staff.
Sulu at the Helm | Mar 28, 2007 | Reply
Forget the spelling. Where can I get this damn dog?!?!
damian | Mar 28, 2007 | Reply
Well, at least they got the names over the right people.
Mystery Man | Apr 1, 2007 | Reply
Hehehe…
Great post, man.
-MM
Piper | Apr 3, 2007 | Reply
I haven’t read the post yet, but just looking at the pictures made me laugh. I’m simple that way.
Piper | Apr 3, 2007 | Reply
This poster ranks right up there with Because I Said So with poor, poor Diane Keaton.
I have to say the second tag line was a clincher for me. Something’s cooking this summer… shit that’s writing gold, baby.
Piper | Jun 25, 2007 | Reply
So I saw this trailer and you’ll be pleased to know that it’s keeping with the poster. Serving up Stupid. Stupid and more stupid.
My favorite part of the trailer is when Zeta Jones struggles with feeding her daughter (she’s a great chef, but her daughter hates her cooking? Oh No!) and Eckhart makes spaghetti and guess what… the girl loves it. Who knew? Zeta Jones sees this and mouths the words “Thank You” to Eckhart. Not a dry eye in the house.