Whatever Halle Berry’s paying her publicist, it’s not enough.

ring-ring. ring-ring.

“Hi, this is Chandos calling from Halle Berry’s office. Is Warren available? Thank you. Yes, Warren, hello. Please hold for Ms. Halle Berry.”

click.

“Hi, Warren. Well, to be honest I’m feeling a bit confused. I see this note that you want me to attend the People’s Choice Awards next week.”

“Well, is that the award where the people who run the film projectors vote on the celebrities who are most popular or the one where the videostore people said I was their favorite for Executive Decision?”

“Oh. The one where the people who read People vote. Have I won that before? I can’t even keep track of the awards I get to go to.”

“Well, I’ll go if you think I should. Of course you know how much I love the X-Men franchise and that the character of Storm is very special to me, and I really appreciate the opportunities I’ve been given to play her, especially now that Brett Ratner, who is such a great director, finally gave me the chance to really sink my teeth into the role – ”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I thought we were doing that interview thing.”

“Really? You’ve already done that? Is that usual – to write my acceptance speech for me so far in advance?”

“Okay. Yeah, sure. Go ahead.”

(while the phone is talking to her, Halle Berry looks in the mirror and practices a number of expressions: sad, frightened, angry, frustrated, sad again, surprised, frantic, sad again – different this time)

“Whoa, whoa. Let me stop you right there. You want me to use an award acceptance speech to ask my fans to write letters to Fox so that the studio will make X-Men 4? You think that, as an actress who was the First Black Woman to Win an Oscar As a Lead Character©, it’s appropriate for me to beg everyone who loves the X-Men to help me out, despite the fact that I’m the one with the contacts, resources and power to work quietly behind the scenes developing a good script or choosing a talented director for my next project?”

“Well. I don’t know what to say.”

“Except that I think you are the most brilliant man I’ve ever met. And that includes Pitof.”

“No, the other Pitof.”

“No, no, I don’t think begging my millions of fans for help is pathetic, and I won’t play it that way at all. I’m just worried about what happens after my speech.”

“Well, don’t you think that post offices all over the world will be filled up with people standing in line waiting to mail their letters? Ooo, I’ll bet that will be on the news. You’d better make sure that gets on Entertainment Tonight, okay?”

“This is great. I’m very excited about this. I really feel as though all the fans of the X-Men are ready to see me lead the team again now that the other more likely characters are all dead. Oh! Do you think this could work for a Catwoman sequel, too? Should I mention that?”

“Maybe it is too soon. Okay. Sure, I can wait for the Oscars for that.”

“Okay, thanks. Sure. Yes. Whatever you say. Thank you. Oh, that’s sweet. Thank you. Well, you know I think that your work is always so brilliant, so thank YOU. Okay, I’ve got to get to another meeting, so thanks again. Yes. Thanks. Thank you. Okay.”

(she hangs up. there’s a moment of quiet where she sits, happy and proud. then the sun, reflecting off a piece of oversized jewelry on her hand, reflects onto the ceiling and shimmers a bit. Halle Berry gets up from her chair and follows the reflection around the room, trying to figure out how to capture it.)