Mission: Hollywood – the mushy-gushy Christmas edition.

Ah, the holidays – when the movie culture fondly turns its attention to year-end lists, award grabbery and the shameless retail huckstering of DVD reissues. It’s enough to make any cynical heart start vibrantly beating again with enough Christmas cheer to make old Ebenezer himself plotz right over into his yorkshire pudding.

But really, it’s important that we try to cut through the clutter and find some genuine expressions of joy and goodwill this holiday season – so join me as I take on today’s Mission: Hollywood – Every Time a Bell Rings, a Hollywood Agent Scores an Unprecedented Backend Deal:

Slyvester Stallone has really been taking his lumps this holiday season, with reviews both glowing and scathing for the release of Rocky Balboa. As many sites have mentioned, Stallone has spent the last 20 days or so answering reader-submitted questions on AICN, and this series has truly been mesmerizing. Stallone is candid, frank, well-humored and engaging in the talkbacks, and if you haven’t read these yet, you should. Of course he’s pimping the movie the entire time, but that’s kind of the beauty of it as well – it’s the ultimate online marketing tool for the ultimate underdog star vehicle/story. Here’s a brief excerpt from Stallone’s final installment on the movie’s opening day:

First of all, this has been a real privilege – and I mean that – by allowing me into your world. It is one that has given me so much insight into what is true and what is false, what are the dreams and aspirations of some of you, who care so much for the greatest art form of all – the cinema.

After the jump, continue the Christmas mush-fest as we consider:

• Why Brett Ratner shouldn’t wait under the mistletoe for at least one actress
• Arnold’s heartfelt – and prophylactic – message to the masses
• A hint about what Val Kilmer might want under his tree this year
• …and more!

There’s no shortage of yuletide love in the words of Gong Li as LatinoReview.com excerpts an interview with the actress in which she holds forth on exactly why she turned down a part in Brett Ratner’s Future Most Annoying Movie Ever Rush Hour 3 – primarily because her part in the script was, you know, horrible. The character was “a little too simple”, she says, but she would consider working with Ratner in the future if the next part he offers her doesn’t “feel like he was wasting the actress.” Personally, I find it shocking to hear that Ratner is making a movie with roles that don’t appeal to women. What is happening in this crazy world, anyway?

Yes, I know; I’ve linked twice too-recently to Arnold Speaks, the totally most awesome blog on the Internet, just because the Terminanimations (see what I did there?) found there are all so freaking funny. And, like a good Christmas carol, that voice just sticks in your head all day long until you realize that your innermost thoughts and dreams are being expressed in a twisted Austrian dialect. In this warm-hearted bit – in true politician style – Arnold jumps on the Celebrity Apologizing bandwagon by proactively seeking forgiveness from anyone he may offend in the future. How sad is it that we can’t elect this guy President some day?

If I had two wishes for a Christmas miracle, they’d be 1) to have the new season of The Shield back on TV right this minute and 2) to feed all the world’s hungry and peace and whatever. If I can’t have those things, then at least I can take some joy in hearing from TV Squad that last season’s incendiary Season 5 of what really ought to be your favorite show will be released on DVD in March. Of course, that means that FX won’t be rolling the new season out until – sob – April, but I guess that’s better than never seeing Vic Mackey glower again at all, so I should be grateful. And not sad like a little disappointed child.

If someone can suggest a career more squandered than that of Val Kilmer’s, I’d sure love to hear it. He’s really got a lot of talent and has created several iconic roles, but the dude just seems like he doesn’t want to try all that hard – and we can’t even blame his attitude on the attendant laziness of the Oscar Curse. But does any of this explain what in the hell is going on when Kilmer might be considering making a sequel to Real Genius? Granted, this is serious rumor material, but sometimes the mere suggestion of bad ideas like this are enough to make the stink of a rotting Hollywood career rise even higher and more offensively.

And finally, nothing says “feel the warm spirit of love and hope on Christmas” quite like a good, old-fashioned Presidential assassination and conspiracy movie. Like the comforting smell of gingerbread cookies in the oven, the trailer for Mark Wahlberg’s upcoming thriller Shooter is now available over at Yahoo! Movies. Formulaic? Probably. But it’s got a solid double-tap to the chest of credibility via Danny Glover playing the Morgan Freeman role and Antoine Fuqua in the director’s chair, so I’ll take a chance and say it looks pretty goldarn decent.

Merry Christmas, everybody! Go find some loved ones and hug them ’til they can’t stand it anymore.