The U.S. military is prepared to protect you against everything but bad movies.
By Burbanked on May 22, 2006 in Geekformers, Movies | 887 views |
Hopefully posting about Michael Bay’s upcoming Transformers movie won’t become a habit here at Burbanked, but when we see something as unintentionally ironic as this PR-starved article released by the Holloman Air Force Base where Bay is shooting his Island-flop-bounceback, trucks-that-turn-into-other-things masterpiece, one feels compelled to comment.
It’s actually rather difficult to pick out what is the silliest part of this:
The excitement! with which the military spokesman “reveals” the portentous movie title of the day’s press event (and, to be fair, the article does not detail the actual moment that Lt. Col. David Moore vocalizes the word “transformers”, and whether or not he does so while giggling or making zoom-clank robot metamorphosis noises)
The length! Which, while weighing in at a breezy more-than-1,500-words, might have been boiled down to “please, please come film all of your future overblown, overedited, nonsensical action movies here” (14 words)
The goofiness! found in delightfully bizarre statements like this:
“That’s one of the first criteria of military support, it has to be a realistic portrayal of the military. So this film, even though its [sic] somewhat ’science fiction,’ what the military does in this film is a realistic portrayal of actual Air Force and Army personnel.”
Right now, each and every American should raise their flag and wave it in slow motion as exploding streetcars and spectacularly disintegrating space shuttles scatter the skies, and thank the heavens that our military has formed contingency plans to keep us safe from tractor-trailers that can turn into flying, gun-wielding robots.
Dedicated screenwriting 101 here: From an interview with Harrison Ford on the MTV Movies Blog in which the inevitability of another Indiana Jones movie is mentioned:
How do I get out of this? I love going to the movies with my boys, opening up their minds to the great pleasures of cinema and all that, but this is a hard one. Please help me: do I suck it up and just go, or can anyone out there provide me with a plausible, kind-hearted, permanent way out? (
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Spectorbrain | May 22, 2006 | Reply
Yes, it is Michael Bay. And yes, it is a live-action Transformers movie (Different Strokes double-take). But don’t rule it out yet. Michael Bay could still do one thing right. Two simple words…Tom Cruise.