UPDATED - Writer’s Guild celebrates 101 Greatest Screenplays without actually telling us what they are.

The relatively media-shy Writers Guild of America, working together with Premiere magazine, has announced the completion of their list of 101 Greatest Screenplays. In a third-act twist that even Jenny McCarthy might have seen coming, Casablanca, The Godfather, Chinatown, Citizen Kane and All About Eve are the list’s top five choices.

Hey, we’re all for giving screenwriters their due, but apparently the Guild is also celebrating the use of irony, because they’ve hired the most overblown, word-happy marketing writer imaginable to introduce a celebration of their own work.

Take a look at some truly un-Greatest Ever writing, after the jump.

From the Guild’s Web site:

“Like a composer of a classic symphony or an author of a beloved novel, the most memorable and moving pictures would not exist without their principal architect: the screenwriter. Too often classic films are linked only to their stars or directors, overlooking the original artists who first put pen to paper - or more recently keyboard to laptop** - to create the kind of enduring works that have entertained and inspired generations of movie-going audiences around globe [sic].”

(brief pause while we dab unfeigned, joyful tears from the corners of our eyes)

As if the delicate sound of those portent-heavy metaphors being thrown down a set of wooden steps wasn’t grating enough, the Guild then links us to the list - but then fails to include the actual list!

We shouldn’t be too surprised. Writers tend to desperately want and crave the attention that such accolades offer - but then ultimately feel as though they don’t deserve them, anyway. Still, the ultimate goal is to bring “recognition to the wizards behind the curtain” (yes, that’s also from the Guild’s introduction), so we’ll offer these alternative links:

UPDATED! The Writer’s Guild Web site gremlins have apparently fixed the problem. Here’s the list in its entirety.

• The list of 101 Greatest Screenplays of All Time from premiere.com - but set aside your lunch hour for browsing; they spread it out over 25 freaking pages.
• At first glance, Find the MacGuffin looks like a fun, screenplay-oriented diversion offered on the WGA Web site…but once again, ironically, the game proves way too easy to figure out. Hitchcock just sat up in his grave, passed wind in the direction of the WGA, and flopped back down again, annoyed as hell.
• In the Guild’s defense, however, we’ll say that we’re gratified to see Grey’s Anatomy creator Shonda Rhimes represented on their homepage Flash banner. She’s one of the good ones - among the few Hollywood people that we admire and respect.

** so we’re to understand that “put pen to paper” is the same thing as putting “keyboard to laptop”? Does that make sense at all, to anyone who understands the English language?