Post-Valentine films of misery – wallow in it!

Of course, there was lots and lots of talk yesterday about romance and love and playing kissy-face and all of that. It was the easiest thing in the world, in fact, to come across a list kind of like this one or perhaps this one (although cleverly conceived) that celebrate Hollywood’s long tradition of digging deep into your wallet celebrating love and romance via the silver screen.

But what if you weren’t feeling particularly romantic or lovey-dovey? What if the trappings of Valentine’s Day have left you seeking stories of loners, severely dysfunctional coupling or the misery of man’s inhumanity? What if you’re just ready to get a good, old-fashioned self-pity going?

Welcome, friend. After the jump, take a tour through the Burbanked Cinema de Melancholie…

American Beauty (1999) – Possibly the most cynical, anti-relationship movie made in the last ten years, this feel-good Best Picture winner includes marital discord, infidelity, voyeurism, hate crimes and murder! Feel the love!

Bad Lieutenant (1992) – If you’re looking for a movie that just makes you want to jump in the shower afterwards and scrub the filth off, this one is ideal. Naked Harvey Keitel! Sexual abuse of innocent, underage motorists! Drug-fueled religious epiphany – with bonus hysterical sobbing!

In the Company of Men (1997) – Nothing says anti-Valentine quite like the scourge of misogyny. Men and women alike can feel free to wallow in self-hatred and cruelty here, just choose your status as “victim” or “man”.

Kids (1995) – This one is ideal for married couples celebrating a post-Valentine funk. Those with children will be left feeling dread and terror thinking about the future. Those without will never, ever want them.

Leaving Las Vegas (1995) – From the opening frames of a man joyfully filling up a shopping cart with bottles upon bottles of soul-crushing, body-killing booze, you know you’re not destined for a rosey ending. The life-affirming qualities of love – even when it comes from a golden-hearted hooker – just don’t stand a chance.

Napoleon Dynamite (2004) – Sure, this film may seem like a feel-good celebration of our Inner Dorks, but think about it. Does he get the girl? Does he win the approval of his peers? Is he anything at the end besides a lonely, self-unaware wretch in a bad pair of boots?

Se7en (1995) – As if living in the grey, dank hellhole created by this movie’s production designer weren’t enough of a romance killer, we’ve also got to contend with torture, loneliness, and a certain “gift” package wrapped up all nice and pretty.

Taxi Driver (1976) – A loner classic. Armed psychosis, unrequited lust, an underage hooker. Enough misery and disassociation to set any cynical, bitter heart a-flutter.

True Lies (1994) – It’s not the pulse-quickening, well-staged action sequences that make this film an ideal choice for the anti-Valentiner. It’s the painful, story-stopping middle section in which we see 1) just how easily a bored wife will consider the violation of her marital vows and 2) the cruelty with which her husband will mentally torture her when he finds out about it. Possible sequel title: True Lies 2: We Repressed How Much We Hate Each Other When We Had To Go Kill Those Terrorists.

Anything starring Steven Segal – In particular, check out the ending of Under Siege in which he and Erika Eleniak share a vigorous, we’ve-triumphed-over-the-bad-guys – and, by the way, completely unmotivated by the plot – kiss. Ick. Just…ick.

How about you, Love Cynics? What would you consider as the best (or better yet, worst!) Romance-Killer Movies?